Releasing Anger
Mindful Monday -
Welcome to Mindful Monday! Every Monday a different facet of mindfulness will be covered, ranging from being more present to different meditation styles. Being mindful is simply defined as being in the present moment in a compassionate, non-judgemental manner. BUT there is so much more to it! This week's Mindful Monday discusses how not to throat punch your husband... also know as... anger.
I will be honest. I wanted to punch my husband yesterday. I was so frustrated and felt so much energy building up inside that the only way, at the time, I thought I could relieve it was to do something physical... ideally directed at my husband... in the form of a fist.
Thankfully I didn't do that. Yes there was yelling. Yes we remained distant and separate for a bit after. Yes we had the really awkward, quiet meal when my husband's brother came by for dinner. Yes we didn't really make up before we went to sleep. Yes, we did all those taboo, no-nos you are not supposed to do. The things related to arguing that aren't healthy. We did them.
Why did we do that? Why, as a practicing yogi and meditator could I not release my anger?
Most of my silence and distance I maintained for the rest of the night was because of this question. What was keeping me in this dis-ease?
What Is Anger?
Anger is when you feel hostile toward something or someone you feel has purposefully wronged you. Anger is an emotion that we all experience from time to time.
Most interestingly, anger is considered a secondary emotion, stemming from a different emotion. Because we feel one emotion, anger swells up next, and anger is what we experience more predominately. BUT it isn't the issue, it's more of a distraction.
Anger stems from the threat of pain, physical or psychological.
Anger can be self-soothing, because it is a more pleasant feeling to experience than psychological pain (guilt, rejection, de-valued, powerless, unloved, etc.) or physical pain (broken bones, being cut, etc.).
From this realization, anger is a good thing to experience and not necessarily suppress. Anger gives you the opportunity to express negative feelings and motivate you to find a solution to the problem.
Anger can be considered the flag, marking the spot of the true problem.
How Meditation Can Help
When you're feeling angry, take a moment to pause, breathe, and check in. See if you can sink below the anger and identify the primary emotion fueling it. The shift from primary emotion to anger is automatic and very fast, so it will take effort to go backwards, moving from anger to primary emotion.
By identifying the primary emotion, you can begin to realize what the actual issue is and make moves to address them. This is especially useful during arguments. Instead of going back and forth on the surface issue and remaining stuck, being aware of the root issue allows you to constructively discuss it and move forward.
Having a meditative practice is helpful because every time you come to your mat, you are practicing this very thing; just without pressure and distracting emotions. The more often you practice on the mat, the more able you are to use these tools off the mat.
How Aromatherapy Can Help
Aromatherapy is the process of using aromatic plants or essential oils to improve psychological or physical well-being. To help with emotional regulation, diffusing or inhaling essential oils is the fastest. The sensory organs in our nose are directly connected to the emotional center of our brain, so what we smell can directly change how we feel.
Each essential oil has different therapeutic benefits for emotional and physical well-being. Some essential oils that can help with anger include:
- Lavender: is soothing, calming and can help release tension
- Ylang-ylang: can reduce anxiety and release frustration
- Roman chamomile: is relaxing and balances emotions
- Orange: is uplifting, bringing a sense of peace
Essential oil use is an easy way to take charge of your own health, but it needs to be done with knowledge and respect. Educate yourself and use essential oils safely!
Goosfraba Aromatherapy Blend
- 1 drop roman chamomile
- 2 drops bergamont
- 2 drops orange
Here is one of my favorite blends for finding calm and peace amidst a fury of emotions. I personally enjoy the sweetness in citrus essential oils and almost all blends that I personally use contain citrus in one form or another. Give this one a try, and as you gain more experience with essential oils, you will find what you are drawn to.
Since I have a 2 year old and a 6 month old, I have to be more careful how I use my oils. Safety first, safety first, safety first! So I use either a diffuser bracelet or a personal inhaler. Personal inhalers are a fantastic way to use essential oils. They are cheap to obtain (I get mine here). You can easily make a blend that will last for months. You can use it on demand, just carry it with you. And finally, it is the safest because it is not diffusing across a room; it is either capped or inhaled through a small opening.
Below is a short video on how to make an aromatherapy inhaler by Aromahead Institute.
I do not recommend just opening the essential oil bottle, taking a sniff, and then shutting it because every time you open the bottle, you are exposing the oil to air. The more exposed the essential oil becomes, the more oxidized, and the quicker it goes bad. Another benefit to personal inhalers!
What Did I Learn?
This post afforded me the opportunity to reflect back a bit. I know that my anger stemmed from feeling de-valued and disrespected. And I think the reason I stayed angry, moody, and quiet was because it felt better than looking at the real issues that I had; I was fine looking at the angry flag, not so much the emotional rough patch it was marking.
The next day, it is very easy to look back and declare, "Whoops made a mistake, I'll try better next time." But in the moment, it's hard to have the emotional maturity to say, "Whoops, I'm being an a**."
Recognizing the issue is the first step, because you can't change what you are blind to. But the work does't stop there. Just because I see it doesn't mean it will magically be fixed. I have to work on bettering me. And I will: by listening to my cues, remembering to step back and breath, and not just choosing the easy, more comfortable route but the right one.
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